Every damned time

So my dear, sweet and very funny friend Doug sent this to me and I couldn't agree more! And I couldn't help adding my own observations....

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee and then your wife will say later that night, "Um, (clearing her throat) what were you touching before you scratched yourself?"

Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. This reminded me of a story: My Dad was teaching me to put new brake pads on the car. He said, "Hand me the Jesus clip." "Huh? What?" I replied. "That clip over there. I call it a Jesus clip because if you don't have a good grasp on it, it'll pop right out of your hands. Then you say, 'Jesus! Where did it go?' "

Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. And now they have cell phones to catch you doing that something so special that it gets posted on YouTube!

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers. Every damned time and then they ask, "What number were you trying to call?" as if that would help!

Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help. And the idiot in front of you arguing about the price is someone you'd avoid on the Metro!

Variation Law -If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now. Every damned time!

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. Wait, does this explain why my MIL has a phone in her toilet room? And, um, how often does she call when she's on her throne? Ew! Maybe that explains why she always talks about her bowel movements! True Story! Gross! I want to tell her, "Keep that shit to yourself!"

Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. Or wearing something you don't want to be seen in and without a bra!

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. Every damned time!

Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Unless it involves my husband whose itches and scratches need to be censored!

Law of the Theatre & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk. Yes, yes we are very surly folk.

The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. My husband, my kids, every damned meal!

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. And the other just loves being naked and shaking it all about.

Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug. and the pickled beets too

Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. e.g., the past 4 years of America's 45th President (he who must not be named. Beware! Saying his name three times in the mirror will make him appear!)

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly. Reminder: it's the start of the year. Time to purge the closet. Shit! Why am I wasting time on the internet again?

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet. e.g. The past four years of America's 45th President offers no example of this.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. Ugh. Another thing !

Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better... But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician. or anyone in particular