Sex Strikes and what Kami Rieck Got Wrong

Reading "A Sex Strike Is a Losing Strategy for American Women" (NYT, Nov. 10, 2024) by Kami Rieck I was struck by how wrong she is in her editorial. First, let's address the title's theme "Sex Strikes" which argues that previous sex strikes “had little or no practical effect” throughout history. Effective or not, it is embracing the idea of autonomy over one's body. In a political climate where men are telling women "Your body, our choice", threatening rape across social media, and men are walking around campuses with signs declaring "Women Are Property", by claiming the right to deny men access to one's body is a powerful response. It is for many women their only option when they live in religious, right wing communities, and Red States which threaten our safety and lives. It means changing the options for men and forcing important conversations. 

Secondly, Rieck writes that these women who engage in sex strikes "risk alienating those who would be our allies while ensuring little actually changes about our reality." What if you went for drinks with someone and knew that sex was off the table? What would you discuss with this person? You would delve into your common interests and your shared struggles. Imagine actually listening and engaging with a woman whom you know you will not be sleeping with. This is how we build respect for one another. 

Women having male allies does NOT mean you are having sex with them. At no point should there be a tit-for-tat: ignore any puns. Men do not have a right to sex with women: thinking this implies a woman must comply with sex. Believing that men and women will end up in bed implies that a relationship between a man and a woman is always about sex. It is not. Our allies join us because we share the same principles, not the same bed. 

Rieck ignores the basis of feminism: "Trump’s election should spur American feminists to address gendered grievances in ways that could be more materially effective." And "Instead of boycotting men, feminists should acknowledge the legitimate ways men have lost ground in education, employment and health and find ways to craft a feminist message that includes them in the project of ensuring equal rights for us all." The reason feminism exists is it addresses the fact that women do not have equal rights in our society. Rieck's argument that we feminists must address men's complaints does not take into account that our struggle lies with gaining equality for women. The struggle for women's rights includes these same losses (education, employments, and health) but we are beginning lower on the ladder of upward economic mobility and our focus as feminists must be on addressing our grievances. 

Listening to those with more rights complain about common ground is fine for a worker's movement, a union movement, a pro public education movement but our protest is rooted in the struggle for equality and ultimately about women's bodily autonomy. These "sex strikes" hit men at a level which they do not have control over (outside of forced sex, read rape). To borrow an old Texas phrase, "The problem is that women have all the pussy." Women have less power in this society and if need be we must use what we have, the power of the pussy, and it should be our choice. And that leaves sex strikes on the table as a form of protest.

At this moment in American history women who get pregnant are risking our health and our lives in states without abortion options. In several states abortion is not even available in the case of rape or incest. All the states without abortion access have laws so poorly written that medical doctors can not take necessary medical care to save the health and life of pregnant women until a woman is at death's door. If the Republicans follow through on their threats to enforce The Comstock Act, interstate delivery of abortions pills AND contraception will be restricted or even denied. This would affect men's contraceptive options as well. 

Rieck continues "Women also must take this opportunity to bring men along with us. Changing gender roles is a main reason many young men say they feel economically and socially left behind." I agree that traditional roles must be reexamined within the larger society and adapted to work within one's personal relationships. Challenging the fixed roles of men and women lies at the heart of the struggle for equality in civil, educational, and economic arenas.

There is a misguided idea that when one group gains rights then another group loses rights. Men are not losing rights to women who are gaining equal rights. If "men have lost ground in education, employment and health", instead of laying the blame at women seeking equal rights then these problems which we all share must be addressed in the broader education, employment, economic, and healthcare movements. Let women maintain our struggle for equality. Let women have choice over our bodies whether by sex strikes, contraceptive use, abortion care, or comprehensive pregnancy care which focuses on the women who also have heartbeats. Let us decide when we have sex.

---Bonnie Ash is a wife of nearly 30 years and mother of two adult children. I am sex-positive, pro-contraception, and married to a great guy who is a feminist, my best friend, my partner, and bedmate. 

Bonnie Ash. Marbled Nude.
Composite photograph based on original photos. 2022