AI, Go Fuck Yourself

WARNING: Rated R and FU for Adult Language, Smoke coming from the ears, and general Frustration from this cranky old curmudgeon 

After another frustrating delivery "ATTEMPT" I contacted Fedex and then the seller. I was sent in circles by their AI bots. Eventually Fedex finally gave me a real person to speak to in INDIA, not Indiana. (So much for reshoring jobs!) I left two complaints about the delivery driver and the AI bot. The seller never bothered beyond its chatbot AI BS. Eventually I just typed CANCEL THE ORDER.

What was amazingly stupid about the human who showed up to deliver the package was he's trying to lose his human job. Does he want the robots to take his job? The FEDEX driver pulled up and just sat there in our driveway...and sat there...and sat there until he just drove away. YET, he reported attempted delivery but the business was closed. WTF!?! It is our house he's delivering to. Our home, with our cars parked in plain sight. No dogs to bite him. Nothing. Not even rain!

My two guys were building shelves inside. I'm hobbled and won't go down the stairs unless I have to. It is not easy to go down the stairs with a cane so I wait for delivery to the porch. There's a table that deliveries can go on. The package delivery instructions say leave on the front porch. It is listed on STREET ADDRESS LINE TWO.

My frustration bloomed like a Red Tide when I tried to find out WTF happened. Instead of a human being all I got was an AI clanker. AI crap. AI slop. AI BS. AI. AI. AI. Fuck the AI uprising: I say the humans should rise up against this robot AI shit. Monkey wrenches in the data centers! Tar and feather the tech bros. And tax the shit out of them! 50-70%! Seize their assets.

Frustrated, I went online to see what others experience when dealing with AI and found this:

Just driving in my car with Android Auto listening to my music. Google AI activates itself without me saying anything and my immediate reaction is "Fuck off, nobody asked for you."

Then it responds "I am an AI, but your words are very real."

So now not only am I aggravated that I'm being actively spied upon by Google, but also infuriated that I have to be lectured by this robot that has no fucking feelings because some, probably overly religious, jackass at Google thought, "Haha, this'll be a great addition to my program to get people to stop swearing."

What a great way to help induce road rage on people, Google. Really doing your customers a great service there.

ETA: None of this matters because I found the setting to turn off voice activation. Good fucking riddance.

I was reminded of the interface in my car. When I bought my new car in November last year I was met with the usual nonsense about pairing my phone to the car. Nope. Nope. Nope. First off, my phone is 10 years old. Second, it hasn't been updated in so long it doesn't connect online reliably, and only rarely. I have zero data so I have to use a wireless system and don't get me started on all the crap public WiFi exposes your data to. Last time I tried, my medical provider's wireless downloaded games to my phone. It wasn't Operation either. 

Besides, my cell phone is for emergencies when I am away from home. I live in a dead zone at home which is on the side of a hill, in a hole. A topographic dead zone akin to the Dead Sea. Cell service is at the top of the hill somewhere. Texts rarely get through and may take hours before they appear. My heating and air tech had to use my internet when he needed to download specs for our heat pump so it could be serviced. His fancy schmancy new Apple iPhone didn't work here either. 

But that's not all. For internet at home, I have DSL and upload at less than 2 Mbps. It's rural, yet we are within half an hour of the state university as the crow flies. The Biden Infrastructure Bill was cancelled by That Turd Trump© before the infrastructure bill brought 300Mbps to my corner of our county. If it weren't for a landline, we wouldn't have a phone connection or this miserable DSL internet. 

Yet despite all this, every time I turn the ignition on, my car wants to know the dirt my cell phone has on me. It wants to know where I bank, who I talk to, what I am willing to buy. And that is what it is all about: the quantification, the monetization, the commercialization of me, my data, my contacts, and their data too. I am not ignorant thinking I can prevent all of this but I sure as hell don't have to leave the fucking door unlocked and open. Do not invite the DataVampire inside.

A month after buying the brand new 2025 car, I started getting emails from Hyundai telling me to use their auto app for $8 a month. It'll tell me my engine performance, sync my music and contacts, the date of my next oil change, make the appointment for the O/C and add it to my calendar too. But I have to provide the internet connection through my cell provider. Ignore all the data they are scrubbing including any saved passwords and my dog's cousin's middle name. It's now March, not even half a year later, and Hyundai keeps sending me emails but the price is now $9.99 a month and still no data included in that price. If you want to fuck me over, at least buy me data.

Inside the landline rings and I let the answering machine pick it up most of the time. Sometimes I'll pick it up and have some fun. Some calls are identifiable and some call repeatedly. Of late, the pollsters want to know how we old farts will be voting this autumn assuming I haven't been disenfranchised by then or if elections even happen. 

I know their pattern and decided to have fun. I hear We are a polling firm ... politics ... election and my response is Here's my opinion. Republicans will never get another vote from any of us ever again. Click. Or some days I say Trump Sucks Ass and Republicans are cucks. Click. Yet they keep trying over and over to ask our opinion. Click. Click. Click. Thanks for reminding me you don't give a shit about about my opinion. But hey, I'm not a fucking billionaire villainaire. Why would your party give a shit about the everyday Americans you are dicking over every damned day? 

At some point when I hit 50 I said Fuck It All! I don't have to put up with shit anymore. Self check out not working correctly? I've left my items and walked out, leaving the stuff on the conveyor belt. Drive thru order delayed? Drive away. Gas pump not working? Go to the next place. I have literally said to a cashier sassing me, Excuse me. WHAT did you just say to me? Loudly. Very loudly. I told someone else I do NOT have to put up with this attitude. It's not a Karen moment. It's a I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore moment. It's the Billy Madison Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to these insanely idiotic things speech.

I get another kind of call on the landline and that's for land sales. We own land, several parcels of several acres. Our goal to to create a conservation zone around our home. We don't have enough acreage for a conservation easement to defer taxes. That's not important. Property taxes are $50 for the undeveloped acres each year so no complaints there. It's the raccoons, possums, snakes, wild turkeys, wild pigs, lizards, birds, including hawks that we want to provide a home for. An acre can go for upwards of $95 K in our county if it's on the right (paved) road. Mostly though it's $5-$10K an acre.

So we have these assholes who keep calling and asking us to sell the undeveloped acreage. They know that as the nearby city of 150,000 people expands our poor county with zero infrastructure outside of a few roads and electric lines will hit big one of these days. They offer 8, 10, and 13 K. We keep saying no. 

Lately the calls have become so frequent I decided to start answering the calls for fun- mine, not theirs. I keep a note pad and pen on the phone table with a running tally on it. It's gotten to 14 calls so far this year, less than 3 months in. A while back I decided I would tell them we would sell but decided to base it on the calls. As the 14th call rang in this past week, I replied, "Yes, we would like to sell. As a matter of fact, since you're the 14th caller this year harassing us about the parcel, that brings the new total up to $1.4 million dollars." There was a slight laugh at his end just before he hung up. 

Now if only they would get the message and stop calling. But, no, we are also getting greeting cards from them. Envelopes in pastel colors with balloons and ribbons and a neat little card inside with the Sell Your Property Today BS inside. I swear if they take me up on the offer of over $1million, I think we will finally move to Canada! But they're paying the moving expenses!

We have no intention of ever leaving unless a tornado destroys the house. We'll take the money and run, plain and simple. We'll sell the land and see where we can go. At this point Costa Rica or Mexico seems a better option than Trumpstinkastan. Better yet, somewhere off the grid, away from cell phones, chatbots, AI clanker slop and their billionaire villainaire daddies. 

They haven't started putting billboards on the moon yet, have they?